A video I took of Kev will potentially go viral and it’s got me feeling really odd. His giant snot bubble video is getting attention from a licensing company who wants to push it out to the world – I think I’m jealous. Jealous of his snot bubble blowing abilities? Ew. No. Jealous of his funny nature and charisma in front of any camera? I love that about him, but also no. Jealous that anytime I post a video of him on my social media it’s sure to get attention, even though I’ve been grinding for years to get my “viral video moment” to reach my ideal community? ………..yes.

My brain has been swirling the past 24hrs after receiving that DM – the beauty of my mental health disorders. “Hey Amanda, great video. We think it has potential…” I literally rolled my eyes and asked them if they’d like any of MY videos that have already gone semi viral or had a good message attached. Nope. They want the snot bubble. I’ve experienced a full range of emotions and most of them are ones I’m less than proud of. To be honest, I’m a big proponent of “feeling your feels” completely, so why is it so hard for me to take my own medicine here?

I feel behind. I feel like I’ve been grinding on social media to try and get my story and message out there, but no one cares. I feel like I don’t matter. I feel like the market is too saturated and I’ve missed the moment to grab on to any sparkle. I feel unnoticed, not special and unworthy.

Here’s the part where I drop some knowledge for you, right? Maybe.

I’ve written about imposter syndrome and the idea of “being in your own timezone” before and even done podcast episodes diving further into the topic (find them here and here), but I’m still getting stuck in a wicked comparison game. I think what gets me the most upset, is that in order to succeed on social media (according to the all powerful social media gods) you have to niche so far down into one topic – they literally say niche small to get big. BUT I AM SO MUCH MORE THAN JUST A SINGLE NICHE.

Sorry for screaming, but you get my frustration. The fact that my “success” on the internet is determined by some social media algorithm really just adds fuel to my fire. I am multidimensional. I am multifaceted. I am more than just one single box… Literally that’s a byproduct of my brain disorder and mental illnesses. I quite literally chase the dopamine to find serotonin that my brain lacks in producing – causing me to ping pong to different activities, hobbies and plans. AND I POST ABOUT THOSE THINGS bc they 1. make me happy and 2. make me, me.

My journey on social media has been a twisty one. I started as a fashion blogger who worked with animals, then transitioned into content creation and creative edits. I eventually evolved to where I am now (which I don’t know really where that is): motivational advocate, author, podcaster in the mental health space???????? Is that even a thing?

I’ve tried to play the niche game and pigeon whole myself into one specific niche, brand or image… I mean I even did that a couple years ago with creating my entire worth and identity around being an animal trainer. That however, caused so much inner turmoil because to my core (to any of ours, actually) I am so much more than one thing. I am ever changing. I am ever evolving. I have depth…. and can that all be put into one single box on social media??? Should it be? Should who we are as people be reduced to bite size versions of ourselves in order to be more palatable?

I don’t think so.

I don’t want that – so even as I’m typing this now, I’m realizing that the feeling I’m having around this whole situation is literally fixing itself. I answered my own question. I am not one dimensional, therefore I want to be multi dimensional. I am not small enough to be put into a box, I want multiple boxes… or not even a box system at all. Screw it, I want to be a bowl of sweet potato noodles (had a bowl last night so they’re on my mind) instead of a waffle with separate compartments.

I want to be me… and in sharing my story of depression, anxiety, bipolar, ptsd, hurtful life change and loss I want to help others. I want to help people know they aren’t alone. I want to continue advocating for mental health awareness. I want to keep talking about inclusivity in my books and podcast. I just want to be me.

So, if you’ve been here since the start or just got here now, thank you. Thanks for sticking with me through all the highs, lows and everything in between. I’m going to continue breaking out of the box society and social media tries to put me in… and I hope you’ll join me.

– Amanda